July 9, 2011
It has been a long, dark, lonely winter. The arrival of spring, and my new Coonan pistol however has begun to awaken me from my funk. The lack of Zombies due to the cold has been a welcome respite. But hoping against hope we knew it couldn’t last. We had just received word from our Canadian brethren that the prolonged winter had made for a late thaw, resulting in a massive Zombie horde thawing out and assembling north of the border.
We knew that even though the Canuck’s were doing everything in their power to stay the onslaught, there was very little hope of keeping the horde at bay for any extended period of time. Our spirits were buoyed by the one piece of good news. It had been confirmed with some certainty that the Zombies would not reach the United States until late June.
Mustering all of our stategy, a simple plan was hatched. We would use cattle and moose carcasses to delay the inevitable while the Canadian heroes herded the Zombie horde east past St. Cloud and south to Morristown MN. Our hopes and prayers were, to congregate them near Morristown, where we planned to unleash a whole new weapon against them.
During their siege last spring, we had proved that the only weapon that could drop the undead in their tracks was the lauded Coonan pistol. We were concerned about earlier reports that the pistol was in short supply. However, recent correspondence from Dan Coonan had confirmed the fact that he and his team had been working all winter long to produce enough of these awe inspiring weapons to beat down the Zombie Horde. With his usual cavalier attitude and delusional work ethic, magic was truly made at the Coonan Gunworks. Pistols, hundreds of them, were rolling off the line. With great haste, the brown blooded (UPS) carriers are, even as you read this, racing all across the United States to deliver these truly amazing weapons. As, quite possibly the only hope for the future of the human race, we wish them Godspeed. We cling to the hope that the Coonan pistols shall again beat back the throng and restore hope and comfort to our people and all of humanity.
Will the “ONE SHOT ZOMBIE STOPPER” prevail? Will Dan Coonan lead us again to victory in a final and complete annihilation of the Zombie Horde? Will coffee be served prior?
Find out the answers on July 9th. True Coonan wielding champions heed our call! Bring your Coonan to Ahlmans July 9th in Morristown MN and take part in the most epic battle mankind has ever faced. Coonan vs. Zombie
Restore the “ONE SHOT ZOMBIE STOPPER” to it’s legendary status!